Kate’s Thursday Thirteen

This is up a little early because I’m procrastinating on other things, lol. Also, I didn’t have any clue as to what to write this week, so I’m going back to the good ‘ole Jack Handey, my favorite. Here’s another 13 awesome Handey-isms…

Thirteen more Jack Handey-isms 1. Why do the caterpillar and the ant have to be enemies? One eats leaves, and the other eats caterpillars. Oh, I see now. 2. Once when I was in Hawaii, on the island of Kauai, I met a mysterious old stranger. He said he was about to die and wanted to tell someone about the treasure. I said, ‘Okay, as long as it’s not a long story. Some of us have a plane to catch, you know.’ He stared telling his story, about the treasure and his life and all, and I thought, ‘This story isn’t too long.’ But then, he kept going, and I started thinking, ‘Uh-oh, this story is getting long.’ But then the story was over, and I said to myself, ‘You know, that story wasn’t too long after all.’ I forget what the story was about, but there was a good movie on the plane. It was a little long, though. 3. You can’t tell me that cowboys, when they’re branding cattle, don’t sort of ‘accidentally’ brand each other every once in a while. It’s their way of letting off stress. 4. People laugh when I say that I think a jellyfish is one of the most beautiful things in the world. What they don’t understand is, I mean a jellyfish with long, blond hair. 5. If you ever reach total enlightenment while you’re drinking a beer, I bet it makes beer shoot out your nose. 6. Marta says the interesting thing about fly-fishing is that it’s two lives connected by a thin strand. Come on, Marta. Grow up. 7. Today I accidentally stepped on a snail on the sidewalk in front of our house. And I thought, I too am like that snail. I build a defensive wall around myself, a ‘shell’ if you will. But my shell isn’t made out of a hard, protective substance. Mine is made out of tinfoil and paper bags. 8. One of the bad things about panning for gold is maybe sometimes you’ll get a crawdaddy in your pan, and you start to wonder if you should give up on the gold and just go for crawdaddies. I can’t make that decision for you. 9. One thing kids like is to be tricked. For instance, I was going to take my nephew to Disneyland, but instead I drove him to an old burned-out warehouse. ‘Oh, no,’ I said, ‘Disneyland burned down.’ He cried and cried, but I think that deep down he thought it was a pretty good joke. I started to drive over to the real Disneyland, but it was getting pretty late. 10. You know, I think it would be really great to know one of those mad scientists, but right before they go completely mad, because they probably had some really wild parties. 11. If you’re in a war, instead of throwing a hand grenade at the enemy, throw one of those small pumpkins. Maybe it’ll make everyone think how stupid war is, and while they are thinking, you can throw a real grenade at them. 12. The first time I ever tried to milk a cow at Grandpa’s farm, I didn’t even know which end of the cow to milk! Then I guess I got even dumber, because the next time I couldn’t even find the barn. Then the last time, I just went out in the woods and lived, with no clothes. 13. Here’s a good tip for when you go to the beach: A sand dollar may look like a nice cracker that someone left, but trust me, they don’t taste like it. And a bonus, JUST because it’s Jack Handey: For mad scientists who keep brains in jars, here’s a tip: why not add a slice of lemon to each jar, for freshness? Links to other Thursday Thirteens!