Thursday Thirteen!

by

Thirteen Deep Thoughts by Jack Handey

1. It takes a big man to cry, but it takes a bigger man to laugh at that man.

2. At first I thought, if I were Superman, a perfect secret identity would be “Clark Kent, Dentist,” because you could save money on tooth X-rays. But then I thought, if a patient said, “How’s my back tooth?” and you just looked at it with your X-ray vision and said, “Oh it’s okay,” then the patient would probably say, “Aren’t you going to take an X-ray, stupid?” and you’d say, “Aw fuck you, get outta here,” and then he probably wouldn’t even pay his bill.

3. A good way to threaten somebody is to light a stick of dynamite. Then you call the guy and hold the burning fuse up to the phone. “Hear that?” you say. “That’s dynamite, baby.”

4. Why do people in ship mutinies always ask for “better treatment”? I’d ask for a pinball machine, because with all that rocking back and forth you’d probably be able to get a lot of free games.

5. I bet when the neanderthal kids would make a snowman, someone would always end up saying, “Don’t forget the thick, heavy brows.” Then they would all get embarrassed because they remembered they had the big hunky brows too, and they’d get mad and eat the snowman.

6. If I lived back in the wild west days, instead of carrying a six-gun in my holster, I’d carry a soldering iron. That way, if some smart-aleck cowboy said something like “Hey, look. He’s carrying a soldering iron!” and started laughing, and everybody else started laughing, I could just say, “That’s right, it’s a soldering iron. The soldering iron of justice.” Then everybody would get real quiet and ashamed, because they had made fun of the soldering iron of justice, and I could probably hit them up for a free drink.

7. Too bad you can’t buy a voodoo globe so that you could make the earth spin real fast and freak everybody out.

8. Dad always thought laughter was the best medicine, which I guess is why several of us died of tuberculosis.

9. Maybe in order to understand mankind, we have to look at the word itself: “Mankind”. Basically, it’s made up of two separate words – “mank” and “ind”. What do these words mean ? It’s a mystery, and that’s why so is mankind.

10. I bet the main reason the police keep people away from a plane crash is they don’t want anybody walking in and lying down in the crash stuff, then, when somebody comes up, act like they just woke up and go, “What was THAT?!”

11. What is it that makes a complete stranger dive into an icy river to save a solid gold baby? Maybe we’ll never know.

12. We tend to scoff at the beliefs of the ancients. But we can’t scoff at them personally, to their faces, and this is what annoys me.

13. If you ever fall off the Sears Tower, just go real limp, because maybe you’ll look like a dummy and people will try to catch you because, hey, free dummy.

Links to other Thursday Thirteens!

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17 Responses to “Thursday Thirteen!”

  1. Erin the Innocent Says:

    LOL!

    I used to love the Jack Handy parts of SNL. Do they still do that? I haven’t watched SNL in a long time.

  2. Kate Scott Says:

    I actually don’t know if they still do, Erin. I haven’t watched SNL in a while. But I remember their Jack Handey “commercials”. 😛

  3. anyabastblog Says:

    God, I love Jack Handey. I love 12.

    ~ Anya
    http://anyabastblog.com/

  4. Wild Mama Says:

    I love Jack Handy quotes…too funny. 🙂

  5. Marissa Says:

    Too funny. You cracked me up this morning.
    Marissa

  6. mrsnesbitt Says:

    Can you tell me a bit about Thursday Thirteen?
    Thanks
    D

  7. Jennifer McKenzie Says:

    LOL!!! Free dummy. LMAO. GREAT TT.

  8. Lauren Dane Says:

    Oh I love Jack Handey!!

  9. Kate Scott Says:

    mrsnesbitt, you can find all the information on the Thursday Thirteen on http://www.thursdaythirteen.com. 🙂 It’s a way online people can learn a little more about each other!

  10. Rhonda Stapleton Says:

    BWAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHAAHAHAHAHA!!!! I’m dying. My fav Jack Handy quote of all time is, “Consider the daffodil. And while you do, I’ll be over here, looting through your stuff.”

  11. Kate Willoughby Says:

    I adore Jack Handey!!! Thanks for the many laughs.

  12. Emma Sinclair Says:

    Too funny!! Thanks for the laugh!!

  13. Megan Hart Says:

    haha, Hey, free dummy was one of my college catch phrases. I even had it on a t-shirt!!!!

    hahahhahaha!!!

    my fave Handy is the one about how you should tell your kid you’re taking him to Disneyland but instead take him to a burned down building and when he says what happened, you say God burned down Disneyland and when he says why, you say “probably because of something you did.”

    BWAHAHA!

  14. Kate Scott Says:

    LOL Megan:
    One thing kids like is to be tricked. For instance, I was going to take my little nephew to Disneyland, but instead I drove him to an old burned-out warehouse. “Oh, no,” I said. “Disneyland burned down.” He cried and cried, but I think that deep down, he thought it was a pretty good joke. I started to drive over to the real Disneyland, but it was getting pretty late.

  15. Ember Says:

    “Laughter is the best medicine.”
    Bwah ha ha ha.
    I’m off to the pharmacy to pick up my drugs …

  16. Debbie Mumford Says:

    What great fun! Thanks for the laugh.

  17. Grace Draven Says:

    #4 is priceless.

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